All the Single Ladies on the Supreme Court

Friday food for thought: all of the male U.S. Supreme Court justices are married, while none of the women are. There are reasons for that, which I thought of, as our amazing Spanish immersion school is hosting Justice Sonia Sotomayor — who is about to release a new children’s book! Our school community is small and with many Latinx families so it’s a milestone and source of pride for us.

As a newly divorced mom, I’ve been seeking other divorced people like Sotomayor as both inspiration and an example for my daughter. My 12-year-old depressingly told me the other day that she wanted to be married so as “not to be alone.”

“But you have me!” I told her. “You can always stay with me.”

A fellow mom-friend hilariously cut in, “Wait, we’re supposed to retire in Mexico, remember?” True. My recent four-week solo trip was one of many things I’ve gotten to do now that my kids are older, and I no longer have to negotiate with a partner.

So let’s start there. Our three female Supreme Court justices are able to serve because they aren’t saddled by marriage and children. The men, on the other hand, have spouses to take care of the domestic sphere so that they can serve on the nation’s highest bench. Dedication to such a position — and writing books on the side like Sotomayor — require time and bandwidth.

In addition, due to our political and economic systems, the U.S. workplace typically favors breadwinning men, fathers. The least paid and least likely to be hired? Mothers. The fact that we are the only industrialized nation not to have paid federal medical leave — not even so-called “maternity leave” — is because mothers are presumed to stay home, while fathers work for money. We are all victims of this system as having a child or caregiving, in general, are now leading causes of poverty in the nation.

I admit, I initially was irked at not being able to score tickets to our school’s Sotomayor event. But I took a deep breath, and thought about it. I wouldn’t want to go to see her read to kids. I’d want this conversation on equity — starting in the home — for our girls to hear. I’d want her to share the brutal truth of what it takes for women to attain such a position, sometimes coming at the costs of marriage and children. I’d want to know if she thought such sacrifices were worth it.

Like almost all mothers in this country, for many years, I had an insane and untenable schedule. I’d wake up at 4:30 a.m. or 5 a.m. to fit in time for myself — a MUST! — children, full-time paid work, and in last place — clearly it shows — marriage. Marriage is a relationship that one must nurture to keep it going. When you are working, taking care of children, writing books, or doing anything else, that’s time away from nurturing the relationship. Like Sotomayor, now that my kids are older and I no longer need to nurture a relationship, I am able to tackle the personal bucket such as write a book, and travel to places I want to see. I look forward to the day that I no longer have to check with anyone to travel at all.

I write all of this, not with regret as there is NO WAY I’d have gained the perspective and depth of experiences — both good and bad — without my children. I also feel that I gained much more from marriage than if I’d never married, frequently telling people “one and done” when it comes to love for me. I chose well the first time. Now it’s time to do all the other things I’d long put on hold.

But I am wondering: are we going to forever relegate our daughters to making such choices? Why can’t they “have it all” like fathers? What say you?